Reason 1: To Feel Grown Up

Action Steps	Using Alcohol, Tobacco, or Illicit Drugs
If You Used Drugs in the Past...	Exercises

Action Steps

If we ask young people what messages we send about substance abuse, what might they say? We might be surprised to find out just how grownup they feel when we ask them to get us a beer from the refrigerator or an ashtray from the cupboard. A child can understand and accept that there are differences between what adults may do legally and what is appropriate and legal for children. We want to continue to reinforce this understanding by not abusing legal substances or using illegal drugs. Most kids are already pushed hard to act like grownups. They see the advertisers appealing to this need on TV, radio, and billboards, etc. We must try not to use these appeals in our own homes, clubs, and gathering places.

1. Don't let your children be involved in your drinking by helping you mix a drink or getting you a beer.
2. Try to be a good role model by drinking responsibly and in moderation.
3. When possible, point out examples of irresponsible drinking behavior and the consequences.
4. Your job is to talk about these images and behaviors and what they mean. You can even make this fun (See Exercise 1).

We must keep in mind that we need to "let" our children grow up. Some of the ways children behave are part of a natural and healthy separation, which generally starts between ages 11-14. The harder we hold on and pull in the reins, the more they may want us to let go. In most cases, giving children more independence can actually help deter them from using alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drugs simply because they feel grownup and mature. Many times the first experimentation with tobacco takes place at the precise time a child is requesting greater freedom.

We need to keep more freedom separate from more time left to experiment with drugs. If we attempt to control our children and do not allow them independence, we may actually make the problem worse.

Be Open

Remember that children may talk more openly about sensitive topics with someone who is not their parent or guardian. If you are a parent, try not to let your feelings be hurt and remember that your child will respect you more in the long run if you encourage them to talk to someone else if that is what they want. He or she probably will come back to you with concerns when he or she is older. At times an aunt, uncle, sibling, coach, or religious leader may be a more objective sounding board for your child.

Using Alcohol, Tobacco, or Illicit Drugs

The fact is, if you use alcohol, tobacco products, or illicit drugs, your children are more likely to use them too. However, even if you use these substances, you can do a lot to make sure that your children don't.

Action Steps

1. If you use alcohol, drink moderately and refrain from always drinking for celebrations and holidays. Learn other ways to celebrate. Try to deal with stress without tossing down a few drinks. Try exercise, talking with a friend, or deep breathing, for instance. Allow yourself a "time out" from your regular routine. The children you care for will learn a lot by imitating these coping strategies.

   Set aside a few minutes a day to talk about family, love, and life problems that might have come up during the day and discuss how you handled them. You can even ask children for their ideas. This does not mean burdening them with difficult problems or financial worries. But you can ask children for their ideas on simple matters and help them to build problem-solving skills. This skill will help them resist peer pressure to use alcohol and drugs to solve their problems.

2. If you use tobacco products and have had difficulty stopping, talk with your children about how addictive nicotine is. Let them know that when you were young, you thought you could stop easily but you have grown dependent on nicotine.
3. If your children are very young, you will want to be careful about sharing information about the health problems you may be suffering as a result of your smoking or chewing dependence. A young child may quickly jump to the conclusion that you are dying and may become very frightened.

   On the other hand, your children will be hearing a lot about these health problems when they get to school, so avoid downplaying your health problems. If you lose your child's trust, you will have lost something precious. And, it will be difficult to teach the lesson that your child should always try to tell the truth, regardless of the consequences.

4. If you are abusing prescription drugs, you may be giving the message, "Take a pill. This is how you cope." Remember that your children know you very well. At some point they will KNOW that you are abusing these drugs. It will probably startle them. It may take them a little while to talk with you about this. But when they do, try to be receptive.

   If you use illicit drugs, frequently or even occasionally, you are sending strong negative messages to children. These may include:

   • It's okay to break the law when it stands in the way of personal needs.
   • The best way to cope with stress, strain, or other problems is to use drugs.
   • Happiness comes from the temporary high of drug use, not from good relationships with others.
   • It's easier to take drugs than to develop good problem-solving and stress management skills.
   • My priority is my drug-taking, not you.
   • Money that could be spent on necessities or legitimate entertainment is better spent on drugs.
   • Time spent using drugs is better than time spent with loved ones.
   • If a person doesn't value himself/herself very much, drugs are the answer.
   • It's easier to take drugs to try and forget problems instead of dealing with them.

If You Used Drugs in the Past...

What's really important here is the value of having a face-to-face discussion with a young person about alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drugs. Read the conversation over several times to make sure you understand the purpose of it. It does not have to be, nor should it be, recited word-for-word. Most important are the principles involved:

• Listening.
• Slowing down the dialogue.
• Eliciting feedback between each segment.
• Establishing your agenda and communicating it so that a child will hear it and not shut you off.

Example

The 12-year-old you care for comes home from school and says, pretty matter-of-factly, "I learned about drugs today. The teacher said that lots of people your age used to do drugs. Did you?"

(You have many opportunities here. Your child, in asking this question, is providing a chance for you to develop your listening skills in addition to answering his/her question, so try not to react too quickly. It's understandable that a question about your own drug history would make you uncomfortable, but let's see what might be possible here.)

You might say: Wow, you're learning about drugs already? What are they teaching you?

Child: Well, just about drugs and alcohol, and the teacher said a lot of people your age used drugs when they were young.

You might say: Well, I'm not sure what your teacher meant to say, but I can tell you what I know about those times. Would you like me to? (The parent/caregiver offers a choice here, because some kids might prefer to keep their knowledge general and not specific to their parent/caregiver. Others, of course, will forge on.)

Child: Sure.

You might say: Well, many people my age, who were young adults back then, tried marijuana. We mostly called it pot. But we didn't know as much about it as we do now. It was the same with cigarettes. We didn't think smoking was very harmful either. So do you still want to know if I smoked marijuana? Think about your answer. How will you feel if I say yes?

(By now, the conversation may be opening up.)

Child: I'll have to think about it. Well, yes and no. Yes, because you always say it's important to be honest. No, because I'm not sure what I'll think about you. If you say no, you'll just be a regular parent. If you say yes, I don't know, that would be kind of weird.

You might say: You're exactly right. That's why I wanted you to think about it. But remember, whatever you decide is okay, and whatever my answer is, we can talk more about it.

(Many opportunities have opened between you and your child even prior to your answering the original question. That's more than half the battle in helping kids resist drugs and alcohol—a strong parental connection, even if a sometimes rocky one, always helps the child.)

Child: Are you just trying not to tell me?

You: No, I'm trying to be thoughtful about how I answer you so I'll know more about what you think about my drug usage.

Child: So you did?

You: Yes, I tried it. A couple of times because friends of mine were doing it. And then I stopped because I decided it just wasn't a good thing to do.

(It's important to make a distinction between past adolescent or young adult use/experimentation and current adult usage. You should not divulge current use unless directly confronted by the child. You should seek help for yourself and the child in dealing with this situation.)

You: So what do you think?

Child: About what?

You: About my saying I used it but then stopped.

Child: Oh, it's okay. I don't know.

You: Are you wondering if I would give you permission or think it's okay to use drugs because I tried them?

Child: Well if you tried them, what's the big deal?

You: Well, whether or not I used is not the main issue here. The main issue is you. I definitely do not want you to use alcohol, marijuana, or any other illicit drugs. I'm not going to give you a lecture about how bad they are for you because you've probably come to learn a lot about them in class. But, I want you to think about this: you—plain and simple-don't need them. You have too much going for you. Drugs don't really help anything. They don't solve problems. They won't make you popular. They won't help you grow up. And they surely won't help you build a strong body and mind. In fact, just the opposite can happen. Now go ahead and get ready for soccer practice-that's something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Obviously, this conversation could go a number of ways. But the point is to really listen. Make it clear that you value this young person and believe that he or she has the right to talk with you about anything AND that you do NOT want him or her to use alcohol or illicit drugs.

Remember

• Value children.
• Seek their input.
• Make your expectations clear.

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Exercises

Exercise 1

Dealing With Messages That Promote the Use of Alcohol, Tobacco, or Illicit Drugs

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