What You May Be Feeling
What You May Be Feeling
Survivors of sexual assault experience a wide range of reactions. Some have said that
after the assault their emotions go up and down or from one extreme to another. It is
important for you to know that what you are feeling and thinking right now is OK. Your
reactions are your own way of coping with the crime that has been committed against you.
There is no standard response to sexual assault. There is no standard
response to sexual assault. You may experience a few, none, or all of the following:
SHOCK AND NUMBNESS:
Feelings of spaciness, confusion, being easily overwhelmed, not knowing how to feel or
what to do. You may react in a way that is similar to your reactions during other crisis
in your life (for example with tears, irritability, nervous laughter, withdrawing). WHAT
YOU CAN DO: Be aware that these are normal reactions to trauma. Each person handles crisis
differently, so think of things that helped you get through crisis in the past. Get help
to sort out what you would like to do and how you may want to organize your thoughts,
time, and decisions. Be compassionate toward yourself; give yourself time to heal.
LOSS OF CONTROL:
Feeling like your whole life has been turned upside down and that you will never have
control of your life again. Your thoughts and feelings seem out of control.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Try to get as much control over your life as you possibly can, even
over small things. Ask for information that may help you sort out your thoughts and
feelings. Use outside resources, such as counselors and legal professionals. Ask how other
people have handled similar situations. Try to make as many of your own decisions as
possible. This may gradually help you regain a sense of control over your own life. Fear
that the rapist may return; fear of your general physical safety; fear of being alone;
fear of other people or situations that may remind you of the assault.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: If you want company, do not hesitate to ask familiar people to be
with you day and night. You may want to make your physical environment feel more safe
(moving, making your home more secure, getting to know your neighbors better).
GUILT AND SELF-BLAME:
Feeling like you could have or should have done something to avoid or prevent the
assault; doubts regarding your ability to make judgements.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: No matter what the situation was, you did not ask to be hurt or
violated. Blaming yourself is sometimes another way to feel control over the situation,
thinking that if you avoid similar circumstances, it will not happen to you again.
ISOLATION:
Feeling that this experience has set you apart from other people; feeling that other
people can tell you have been sexually assaulted just by looking at you; not wanting to
burden other people with your experience.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Recovering from an assault can be a very lonely experience. However,
you are not alone in what you are feeling. You may find it reassuring to talk to others
who have been raped, or to a counselor at your local Rape Crisis Center who has worked
with survivors of rape.
VULNERABILITY, DISTRUST:
Feeling that you are at the mercy of your own emotions orthe actions of others; not
knowing who to trust or how to trust yourself; feelings of suspicion and caution.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Trust your instincts about who you want to talk with about what has
happened to you. Try to talk with people who you have found to be the most dependable in
the past; select those who have been good listeners and non-judgmental. Feelings of
general suspicion will subside as you begin to find people you can trust.
SEXUAL FEARS:
Feeling that you do not want to have sexual relations; wondering whether you will ever
want or enjoy sexual relationships again; fears that being sexually intimate may remind
you of the rape.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Try to tell your sexual partner what your limits are. Let your
partner know if the situation reminds you of the assault and may bring up painful
memories. Let your partner know that it is the situation, not him/her, that is bringing up
the painful memories. You may feel more comfortable with gentle physical affection. Let
your partner know what level of intimacy feels comfortable for you.
ANGER:
Feeling angry at the assailant. You may find yourself thinking about retaliation. You
may be angry at the world since you no longer feel safe. If you are religious, you may
feel angry that your faith did not prevent this.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Be accepting of your anger. Thoughts of committing violence toward
the attacker do not mean that you are a violent or bad person. You have the right to feel
angry about the violation you have experienced. You may want to talk to people who
understand this.
DISRUPTION OF DAILY ACTIVITIES:
During the first few days or weeks after the assault you may feel preoccupied with
intrusive thoughts about the assault. You may experience difficulty concentrating,
nightmares, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, startle reactions, phobias, general
anxiety or depression. You may have memories of a prior crisis.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Although these are common reactions, they can be quite disturbing.
Take things very slowly. Some people find it helpful to keep a notebook at hand to write
down feelings, thoughts, ideas, or details of the assault; keeping the thoughts and
feelings in one place may make them feel more manageable.
Experiencing so many different emotions is a part of working through what has happened
to you. Right now, you may wonder when you will "get your life back." Or,
perhaps you are not feeling much at all. There is no right or wrong way to react to sexual
assault. Many survivors have found that self acceptance, patience, time, and support from
others has helped them recover. Your local Rape Crisis Center has worked with many who
have had similar experiences. A good counselor will understand and help you work through
the emotional roller coaster that you may be on.
Those who work with assault survivors often use a response model, similar to the one
below, to outline how people commonly react to traumatic events. However, no one has a
"recovery calendar" to offer. Individuals pass through recovery stages in their
own way, sometimes skipping back and forth between stages. This model merely offers you a
framework for understanding the emotions and reactions you may have as you heal from the
assault. For more information or support contact your local Rape Crisis Center.
Shock
: For the first few days or weeks, the assault may seem unreal. You may react in a
numb or unfeeling way. You might even have physical symptoms of shock: feeling weak,
nauseated, moving slowly, appearing pale. There is nothing wrong or unusual about these
kinds of reactions.
Adjustment
: This is a period when you may feel the need to deny or underplay the assault.
Pressure to "get on with your life" might come from within or from others in
your life. You may find it easier to go through the motions of your previous routine than
to address intense and uncomfortable issues associated with the assault. This response is
self-protective and natural.
Secondary Crisis
For many people, something happens in their life (a trigger) which may make their
previous coping mechanisms ineffective, causing them to face the assault. Acknowledging
the assault may be quite painful. What formerly seemed unreal or was denied, may become
very real to you. Survivors of sexual assault describe feeling depressed and/or having
flashbacks or obsessive thoughts about the assault. You may replay the assault in your
mind many times. You may also experience intense anger. Again, it is important to remember
that these responses are completely normal.
Integration
You are changed by the assault, but have integrated the experience and can move
forward with your life. You may feel as though you have survived the assault and have
dealt with the thoughts and emotions of the trauma. The memories will remain, but can be
faced.
Healing is possible; however it will take work. You may need the support of loved ones
or the help of caring professionals. Remember that others have gone through this and
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
See the Resource Section at the end of this book for information about your local Rape
Crisis Center.
You may be wondering who you should tell or what you should say to significant people
of in your life. Parents, friends, employers, neighbors, your partner can be sources of
support and solace. Follow your own heart when deciding who to turn to. You may worry that
you are relying on others too much. It is OK to ask for help in times of crisis. People
who truly care about you will want to help; people who truly care about you may need to be
told how to help you. It is O.K. to tell people what you need from them. It is O.K. to
say:
- I don't want to be touched.
- I need to be held.
- I would like to talk about what happened.
- I don't want to discuss that.
If someone close to you is having a difficult time being supportive or coping with
your assault, you might ask them to read the following section.
How to Help a Survivor of Sexual Assault
Believe her. Reinforce that the assault was not her fault. Validate her experience. Be
supportive, don't overreact. Be patient. The survivor may express a range of strong
emotions. Allow the survivor to offer or not offer the details of the assault, DON'T PRY.
Don't gossip. Allow the survivor to choose with whom she shares the details of the
assault. Understand that the survivor might not want to be touched. Consider that this
experience is only one part of this person's life. Don't let it overshadow other
aspects and experiences. Avoid being overly protective or attentive. The survivor may want
safety and company, but not necessarily want to be the center of attention. Don't take
decision making power away from the survivor. It is O.K. for you to have needs as well!
Find support for yourself.
Individuals from outside your immediate circle of loved ones can also provide support
and acceptance that may aid in your recovery. You are the person to determine the type of
help that is most useful for you. Please consider that throughout the State of Michigan
there are sexual assault programs that offer anonymous advocacy and counseling. Don't
hesitate to seek help from these programs.
An advocate
is a professional who is trained to assist sexual assault survivors in medical and
legal matters. The advocate has an understanding of "the system" and how it
works. He or she has likely served numerous other survivors. Many programs offer legal
advocacy, which will include accompanying a survivor to court, the police station, or
meetings with the prosecutor. An advocate is a source of practical, useful information and
emotional support.
A sexual assault counselor
is a professional who is trained to address your emotional needs. Many who have
experienced sexual assault find that a counselor offers compassion and help. Some find
that they can more easily discuss their assault with a professional who has worked with
other survivors. You will benefit most from counseling when you decide that you want it.
Support groups
are helpful recovery tools for many survivors. You may develop a supportive network
with others who have had experiences similar to your own. Many survivors find support
groups a valuable part of their healing process. A support group may be an alternative to
counseling if you do not want one-on-one interaction.
See the Resource Section at the end of this handbook
for information about your local Rape Crisis Center.